Aunt Ruby’s Lasagna

On one of our girls road trips, my mom and I had the chance to visit my great aunt and uncle.  My Great Aunt Ruby served the most wonderful lasagna when we had the chance to visit her several years ago.  Placing the lasagna on the table, she put together an entirely lovely dinner with ease and grace.  “Aunt Ruby, can I have your lasagna recipe?  This is so good!”  She chuckled and told us of course.  Dinner passed and we were led into the kitchen.  I’m going to get the recipe – awesome!  Served with great love, I thought for certain that there would be some recipe card, stained with flour and tomato sauce, tucked in a recipe box on a shelf.  Instead, we were led to the trash bin and with great flair, Aunt Ruby pulled out the Stouffer’s lasagna box.  

Aunt Ruby taught me about some easy ways to serve a great meal and also be able to relax and enjoy the visit.    

Just Think of All of Those Stories

   The car parks and I reluctantly leave the song on the radio. I walk up one block and down the hill on the other. An apartment complex, with ground mustard brownish yellow colored bricks, takes up about a quarter of the block. Inside are rooms and rooms filled with seniors who have come here to live as a place where they can get some basic assistance and no yard work. I see them on the patio, gathered in little conversational groups, and in more solitary fashion on the benches.

   With these people all gathered in one place, there are some days it is all I can do to resist heading in there with notepad and pen rather than continuing on past the library and then into work. These people have seen major world events and have walked through their own major life events. Surely they have something to share with us, a drop of wisdom, a guffaw or two, a need for a Kleenex type story, and then back to the guffaws.
   I don’t know that I will ever actually charge into that complex; notebook, pen, Kleenex, and listening ear all at the ready. But, I hope that someone does, that someone stops to gather the stories.

School Day

   School is starting back up across the country. Some started last week and some are still a week or two out, but over the next month school doors will be opened. Don’t you remember the first days of school? It was a mix of excitement and uncertainty, in dreading that summer was over and yet perhaps secretly glad that the routine is going back into place. Lockers and cubby holes, book bags, school supplies, and text books that seem to grow exceedingly heavier as the grades progress greeted me at the door. I remember looking forward to music class in elementary school. We sang the 50 state song and other songs as well. The teacher would always introduce themselves and start setting up some expectations of the year. The class clown was well, being a clown. And there were incessant songs about new shoes in third grade (not my favorite thing).
    Then, my perspective shifted as I was preparing the classroom for the students. Materials had been prepared over the course of the summer. Posters had been hung with a pound of sticky tack goo and seating charts had been prepared carefully. In the days leading up to the start of school, it was quiet in that room. I remember studiously preparing my lesson plans (which got a little less formal in writing as the year progressed). There was excitement and nervousness as we waited for students to come in.
   As the teachers prepare for a new school year, as the students reluctantly drag themselves in from the summer freedoms, I hope you all have a wonderful school year. Not only full of learning, but also complete with friendships, laughter, and conquerable challenges.

Glass Walls

   I have always read how writers are often at their most effective when they write from their own experience. So guys, hang in there – because I write from a woman’s perspective better.

   There is a concept which seems to be floating around that women are better at seeking out help and the guidance and help of others. Yes, we may be more open to talking about our lives, but I’m not sure that we are really that good at asking for help. Instead, I think we look for super woman in ourselves. To be the perfect woman in everything we do, with a good attitude, a cheery disposition, the perfectly organized calendar, and an answer for every problem. Wow – if such a woman exists, she really does deserve a cape! And yet, we demand super woman behavior from ourselves so often, when it just not possible.
   Leadership training will bring up the concept of delegation, focusing on your strengths, and learning to rely on the strengths of others to compensate for weaknesses. Women, we need this training too! We need to be able to have broken the glass walls in our life with someone at some time. We have glass walls that need broken because we need to shatter the self and society made supposition of being super woman. So many opportunities are lost when we hide behind our glass walls and pretend that all is well. Knowing that the glass is there, we put on all the trimmings that we can. We Windex the window, dust everything in sight, and try to ignore that everything that doesn’t quite match or fit is stuffed in the closet.
   Ladies, let’s open up to each other and break those glass walls. We can have something so much better by leaning on each other, relying on strengths and experiences of others. Unpack the closet, then fold up your cape and put that in the closet.

I Didn’t Even Realize

   Around two years ago, I had hit a wall. I knew I needed to address the issues, but I didn’t have a good idea of how. I had never dealt with something like this and when conflict would come – I just froze. So, crunch had come. By crunch time, I mean that my middle was crunched with stress. It hurt running into that metaphorical brick wall, and I went to a class which was a light bulb turning on moment for me. I finally put the pieces into place of how to be assertive, set good boundaries, and yet also wanting to care for someone else.

    The thing about any kind of new habit or new skill is that it takes time to learn. So, I very consciously went about trying to do this. Reading a boundaries book, I took great comfort in knowing that when first learning to set boundaries you often would go overboard and draw them too tightly. I set out to put my new skills to work, and they did work. Every success made me a little more confident. With the failures, I would remember that this was a skill and it took time to develop.
   It’s been somewhere around two years since that awful day of running into brick walls (over and over and over), and then going to that class. It’s been somewhere around two years and I just realized last week that I can do these things. I can be assertive. I can be caring and compassionate and assertive, while being gracious. It’s not a perfect mix and I am still learning. But, I didn’t even realize how much it had become ingrained in me.
   A friend on face book posted, asking if there was something we could change about ourselves, what would it be? The answers were all good. People want patience and caring, forgiveness, kindness, persistence, family, and listening; they are all good answers. Realizing that this skill which seemed beyond my ability when I was learning it has now really started taking hold in me, it made me start thinking about what I want to focus on next.
   Confidence in self, based on my values and not on others? Gracious hospitality that is more of an effortless art and less of an enjoyable effort? Believing in my intelligence capability when it comes to topics which are very difficult for me to grasp, and finding ways to really understand them? A better understanding of God and His perspective? Wisdom to know the difference between someone’s opinion and someone’s good opinion and to be able to let one go and hold the other close. Perhaps it’s just learning how to write a doable to do list! Practice of trust in God, even when I don’t understand and to step out in faith, even when I can’t see the path. I’m not sure – there is so much I want to grow into! All I know is that in a few more years, I want to be able to look back and think, wow – this new character trait has become part of who I am.

Reverse Paranoia

       I saw this idea on a t-shirt and just loved it. It was something about being a Reverse Paranoiac, “I believe people are secretly conspiring to make me happy.” After I had laughed my way through the rest of the catalog, I found myself thinking of that idea every once in a while for the next couple of weeks. Something would happen and I would have a little laugh in the back of my head as my Reverse Paranoiac came out. Let’s see, they don’t like that concept? Sure they do! They are just waiting for the right time to spring it on me how much they love it. Or maybe I’ll come in someplace and find balloons and confetti just because! Okay, before I roll out the full blown ticker tape parade, I will admit that that is not the way that we typically think. Instead, it’s normally the fear of someone who is out to get us, someone who is going to step on or over us. Business is regularly called a dog eat dog world. Enough companies have vernacular inherent to this type of mind set that our market place even encourages it at times. But, what if we did act that way?

       What if you came to your office and had a sincere thank you note for just giving it your best during a hard day? What if you came home and found someone had cleaned out the refrigerator because they noticed it needed done and wanted to surprise you? It’s really the concept of serving and then standing back to watch the results. The results, by the way, are really fun to watch. If you have a chance to do something to be a reverse paranoiac for someone, make their day.

The Air I Need to Breathe

There is a song that I keep hearing snatches of in my head, one phrase really and it just plays over and over. It’s not one of those really annoying stuck in your head songs like Rubber Ducky or The Song That Never Ends. It is just a phrase where it acknowledges that God knows just how much air I will need to breathe. It blows me away. I never thought of that before. It’s not like my breathing is an always constant thing. I use more air when yawning or taking a brisk walk, breathing deep and really filling my lungs. At other times, that breathing is just so matter of fact, I don’t even think about it.

That amazes me. I’m sure there is some average we could figure. The human lungs hold approximately this much air volume. From that, multiply it by the number of adults estimated and we can get some sort of a figure of how much air we need. But unless we are going to drastically over-estimate, would you all mind breathing a bit slower and more shallowly? I’d hate to run out.
The creator of the universe knows how much air I will need in my life, how many sighs, yawns, gasps, deep breaths, and just normal breaths I will take. Amazing!

How is that Learned

A conversation sprang up last week about prejudice. The question that was raised is how to we learn to be anti-someone or something. I had two thoughts spring to mind. One is an adage that was well written and then merged with a musical score, “You’ve got to be taught to be afraid, of people whose eyes are oddly made, and people whose skin is a different shade. You’ve got be carefully taught.” So, definitely prejudice can be nurtured and fed, as can equality and humility of self.

Another is Harper Lee’s writing and the character of Dolphus Raymond. Dolphus tells Dill, a little boy in the book, that he is getting sick due to the injustice around him. But, that he would outgrow it in time, and eventually would be fortunate if it just made him squirm.
So which is it, are we taught by people or are we taught by life and the calluses which develop due to the bumping around life gives us? Maybe it’s both and more. We definitely can learn prejudice on a wide variety of topics from the family we are surrounded by. And, life can most definitely create enough bumps and bruises that we shy away from pushing the status quo just to avoid getting one more life laceration.
If prejudice exists (and it does), and we can be affected by (which we are), how do we overcome this? We cannot relegate others to secaond class citizenship because they are different. We may want to, and we may point out the dissimilarities. But, the distinctions and differentiations belong to us, not to God.
“We’ve got to be taught, before it’s too late, before we are six or seven or eight. To hate all the people our relatives hate….” Take a stand, take a look. Be prejudiced against prejudice.

A Whale of a Minnow

I was listening to the radio the other day and someone brought up how it is often not the whales in life that really are a threat, instead it’s getting nibbled to death by minnows. I loved the imagery that brought out in my head and it reminded me a of a notebook I had had in high school. There was a saying on the front, something like “Any idiot can face a crisis, it’s the day to day living that really wears you out.”
I won’t go far as to say that everyone can face a crisis, but it really is the minnows that show you who you are and what you are made of. Minnows might be taking on a task you would really rather not. If I complete it and complete it well, that is a demonstration of my character. If I do not care to do the dishes, because it is not a favorite chore, then doing them anyway and doing them well is dealing with the minnows. Probably I get more nibbles on minnows that are about planning and perception than dishes. I like plans and to have a clear understanding of what is coming next. When that isn’t there, in some circumstances, I can feel myself grow frustrated, anxious, or a combination of both. Perception is another minnow area for me. I am single and over thirty and have actually been asked – “Why aren’t you married yet?” From which I perceive the intended or non-intended question to actually be, what’s wrong with you. How do you even answer that question? I always wait for someone else to have the same stunned look on their face as I do, but sadly they almost always look interested in the answer. Then the minnows come and nibble. Why do they think I’m not married yet? Why is there always a yet at the end of that sentence? Why is that even being asked? What are they thinking about me? You can imagine, this gets into quite the cycle until the minnows are forming their own little watery whirlpool about my head.
But, before I go down the minnow whirlpool of perception, I try to remember that this is just a minnow nibble. This is not being eaten by a whale. I brush the minnows away and move on.
We all have minnows. They are the pesky people, attitudes, frustrations, dislikes, and pet peeves of our life. As a group they can do some serious damage. So, we need to keep the minnows under control.

Just the Right Time

There are some books that are like old friends, their words are comfortable and familiar. For me, The Hiding Place, a story of Corrie Ten Boom is one of these books. The story of Corrie, her sister Betsie and their family is full of wisdom. There is also great tragedy in this story. For me, knowing that this is real and about real people makes the hurts so much deeper and more real, but the grace and forgiveness becomes even more beautiful.

Corrie is a woman who grows up learning of God through her life and her family around her. She learns of a God who loves her absolutely, who guides her through various difficulties, and always supplies the strength that is needed at the moment it is needed. If you have never read the story of this family, I highly recommend it and I won’t give away the plot here.
But, I will mention just one story. Corrie and her father are traveling on the train. Corrie is asking her father questions, trying to determine the meaning of different things. Some of the questions are very big questions for a very little girl. The father ponders the question for just a moment, and then reaches for his bag. Asking Corrie to carry the bag, she reached for it and found that it was too heavy. After telling her father that she couldn’t carry it, he took it from her. This object lesson was used to help Corrie understand that some things are too heavy for us. But, when we are called on by God to pick up that burden, he will provide the strength we need at that time. Until then, we do not have to carry the bags which we can only drag.
I find that a very real comfort. I have a God, a Father, a Friend, who not only knows when I will need strength, but then goes about providing just what I need, exactly when I need it.

Swing Sets and Subtle Lies

Kasey was her name, a blond girl who was playing by herself on the swings in the elementary school playground. I, in my moment of fashion independence and with Punky Brooster influence, was in double layer socks of different colors. She looked lonely, I offered friendship – we were in kindergarten. I don’t remember that first conversation verbatim, but it basically consisted of let’s play.

We tend to think when we are lonely that we are alone in that, compounding the loneliness. When we are hurting, we think that it’s unique to us and we are the only ones who have such pain or suffer in the silence or complaints of life. When we suffer at the hands of someone else, we often think we are alone and that no one else would understand. What a subtle lie that is.
Yes, a lie! Come on, think about it! It’s like a mirage that is made of tissue paper. From far away it looks pretty convincing, but up close, we can see that something is just a bit off. We all get lonely, we all have hurts, we all feel hurt due to someone else. Does the type of injury or frequency or severity vary? Yes. Does the type of remedy needed or timeline for healing vary? Yes. Are we alone? No!
I think it was a little easier in kindergarten, but the lesson learned then is still a relevant one today. Offer friendship, you may just get something wonderful in return.

Can’t I Pack the Kitchen Sink Too?

Yesterdat was the day to finish all the preparation for the trip before the trip actually begins. That wouldn’t be too bad if coming home from work, I had actually the bags upstairs and had things in them. I did however, have a list of what needs packed. I love lists, actually I love crossing things off lists. As the to do’s get shifted into the all done it is a happy thing.

      But, I digress…
I am leaving for the better part of a week, heading home to Ohio and Kentucky. Ohio is where I was born and where the majority of my family lives. Kentucky is the family home. I know I have never lived in that part of Kentucky, but somehow that mineral rich soil has soaked into our blood stream and made it home. There are reunions planned, visits with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Cleaning off the head stones from last year and putting on new flowers for this year, the children will be brought into the process as this helps them learn to remember their ancestors and history. So, what do I take on such a trip jumping from suburbia to the beautiful foot hills? Well clothes, toothpaste, shampoo, and socks of course. And lotion, my camera, bug spray, and make up as well. But, there are other things that get packed – a shovel and trash bags to sit plants in and bring home. Music for the van is an absolute necessity, but it requires forethought. Not only does something for the road demand energy, but when we pull around the bend and watch the foothills appear – that is when the correct music must be available, something delicate and yet strong.
There are some other things that get packed, stories of the past, memories, hopes for renewal during family times, and time to just stroll around grandma’s yard breathing deeply of the pines and snowball bushes. So much is going to be stuffed into that van, surely the kitchen sink will be in there somewhere as well.

Transitions

When I know why a change is or is not occurring I can normally accept it. I may not like it, approve of it, or even want it – but I can accept it. There are sometimes though I just rail against the change, the transitions in life that leave me feeling as if I am in transit, stuck in the back of some cab that is heading east while I’m wanting to go south. Where is the control? Can I have a steering wheel here in the back seat? And a brake pedal too?
It’s been a week of changes; many transitions have hit me this week. With nearly one per day of major transitions, I was left feeling my eyes grow teary at the last one. No more! I know life is not static. I know that change will and must occur, but not in such close succession.
And at the same time I am trying to keep it all together, in that moment when I had no words and a completely stunned look on my face, I know there are other transitions I would love to make but have not had the opportunity. What a dichotomy, what strange mishmash of perceived wants with transitions avoided and transitions sought in nearly the same breath. No wonder women are confusing to men. It’s not so much that we change our minds as we haven’t really explained that there are no hard fast rules only lots of little minute ones, with great subtlety and sub text. A list grows in my mind even now of transitions I would willingly and gladly make in my life, but they do not occur. Others which I find unpleasant or completely surprising, they come with frequency.
This makes me think; perhaps I have the whole transition thing backwards. Maybe I should want the ones which are occurring and not want the ones which aren’t occurring. Or, if not want – maybe I should be quicker to accept them.
It must seem as if I am talking in code. Let me back up and start again. A friend is moving, transitioning, to a new and wonderful stage of her life – motherhood. I am saying good-bye to my friend as a co-worker, as a co-worker who lives multiple states away. Will we lose touch? Will we just drift apart without topics of workplace function and process to keep us talking? At the same time, she is taking on a wonderful and noble transition which I would love to do. My heart, while being so incredibly pleased for her, aches for me. And yet, the ache is tempered by a desire for God’s will, a trust in God’s plan. It changes the hurt from a raw wound, to one that is being treated and bandaged properly. Unfortunately, this hurt is not one cured by a shot or sitting just so. I have to turn this over to God and let him heal it for me.


Perhaps I do have the whole transition thing backwards. Maybe the wanted transitions are just God’s way of wanting our attention.

Ash

Wood, given time and heat, creates ash. There is a large wood burning stove in the family room. The first time I saw it, I fell in love with it, the way it was shaped and had such presence in the room. At the bottom of the stove, there is a handle and a door. It opens up to a tray where the ashes are collected. They fall as the wood burns and collect in the tray. Then, as they tray becomes full the ash tray is removed and dumped outside. Ashes have been placed in the outside fire ring, the garden, and gravel driveway. The ash provides a good base for the fire ring. It can give and restore nutrients into the soil. As for the driveway, I was surprised at how well it held the gravel in during the spring melt. Even prepared ash can become something which is used to make art.

Sometimes life can feel the same way, as if everything is burning away and leaving only a messy pile of grey and black bits behind. The heat, while great during cold Iowa winters, is not so pleasant when we are walking through the fire. So, what can we learn from that? Ashes have purpose. When we are left with ashes, we now have new materials to make art with, to build up our loose gravel, and re-nourish the soil.
If you are left with a pile of ash, let’s prepare it and make art.

Home, Home on the ???

“Home, home on the….” I always seem to get stuck there. Where is home? I mentioned before that I’ve moved around a bit, so when I get that inevitable question of “where are you from?” My answer is always a question back, “at what grade?” In other words, it changed based on different times in my life. So, home has been mobile, and then family home is someplace else.

I am looking forward to a trip home (family home) in the fairly near future, thinking about seeing my family, times together. I get more excited with each passing day. Living in Iowa for 12 years, it is home and yet, at the same time is not. Where is home?
I look around me at the pains, the hurts, the terrible things we do to each other. Is this really my home? What a wonderful thing to be able to say, and know, that this is not my home. Not my real home. But, not being at home can be a lonely proposition. It can feel as if I am alone in the wide weird world. Turning to my Bible, I am reminded that I am not alone in this, I am not alone in this sojourn to my home.
“Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us,” (1 Peter 2:11-12). Friends who are also aliens and strangers in the world, we are not alone! Then, there are instructions following. This is the decision in life choices, decisions which promotes God’s glory to those who do not know him or have spurned him.
Returning back to the idea of alone, of being away from our real home, I look just a few verses above in 1 Peter 2, to verses nine and ten. “But you are a chose people a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.” Not alone, but a nation – we are promised a home. One day, I will finish that song. “Home, home on the…. Streets of the heavenly kingdom.”

On the Cusp

The day that Jesus has been aware of for eternity is almost to him in Matthew 26: 36-46. It is in that garden that we find the pieces of crisis falling into place, foretold and not yet understood. This is one of those moments which for me helps to answer the why questions in life. Why does this happen? Why can’t that happen?
Haven’t you ever wanted to just pray, and yes – have indeed prayed – trying to negotiate with God what will happen next? Sure, we all have. But, eventually we have to make a decision. We can decide to follow our will or God’s will.
What about Jesus? Here in the garden of Gethsemane, he could have surely slipped away in the night. Avoiding the guards, the Pharisees, slipping into obscurity. Maybe think that escape was not an option, he could have tried to reason his way out, change the tacts with the Pharisees which had not worked and be the political friend rather than foe. Maybe he could have acted as the king in the way that the people expected, setting up an army to overthrow Roman rule. Instead, the words were…
“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”
Then a second time he prayed, “My father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” After a third prayer, Jesus returned to the disciples. Finding them once again asleep, he wakes them and tells them, “Rise, let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”


The moment was there, the choices had been made. Not my will God, but yours.

So when I want to negotiate, when I want to do something different than God’s will – not my will God, but yours.

The Downed Tree and the Examination

I recently read a phrase that reverberated around in my mind and settled into the synapses long enough to make it into mid-term memory. Basically, the idea was that you couldn’t really examine a tree until it had been cut down. You can measure it, you can observe it, but you can’t really take a look inside until it has been cut down.

My first reaction was a thought almost of an arboreal autopsy, and how that may be true – but wouldn’t it require that something be dead before that can occur? How sad it would be to cut down a healthy tree just to look inside the skin.

Now, I’m thinking that there could also be more of an examination or assessment. Sitting back in school, move past the memories of desks and friends and lockers – but to the test. What did it cover? The material that you had just been taught, essay and multiple choice to see how much you understood. That doesn’t mean the learning was over, merely that it was time to pause and inspect what had been discovered so far.

My own discoveries this summer, if I look back over the months are wide ranging from the simple to a few ah ha moments, along with a few I’m still trying to figure out.

• · Time doesn’t stand still, but a moment can last a month and a month can last a moment. Holding a new baby or worrying about an ailing friend, each moment is held to and in my mind expanded to hold a tiny universe. Hurts have lasted in reality only seconds and yet, those times in my heart have lingered on much longer. Joy and laughter has flown by even while I clung to the moments to try and make them last longer.
• · If my heart and my head don’t agree, which should I follow? Follow God is probably the advice I would give someone else – and would hope to take myself. But, still not easy to determine. Sometimes, I think that the God GPS needs a translation and extra battery packs. Oh, not that the directions aren’t good, it’s just by the time they get to my ears – I don’t always understand.
• · Adding to that – I don’t always listen. Sometimes I hear, but don’t move or move in a different direction. That would be the GPS again – God’s Positioning System. “Hello, I’m lost again. Can you help?”
• · That tree that looks so healthy on the outside isn’t necessarily healthy on the inside. Sometimes, the truly rotten ones are holding tightly to their beautiful bark covering and leaves. Yet, inside, they are festering. Others are rougher, but inside are strong and growing.
• · Be a friend, quick to listen, quick to hear, quick to care, quick to be there. Be a friend, slow to speak, slow to criticize, slow to make assumptions. Be a friend and stick it out through bad hairdays that lead to bad mood days that lead to truly foul moments with tissues and chocolate and sappy movies. Be a friend and live it up, enjoy the shopping trip, celebrate the triumph, woo hoo over the accomplishments, and praise with a heart that is truly excited and proud of a friend.
• · It’s okay to be mad. It’s not okay to hold on to bitterness. Forgiveness is hard to do sometimes, but you still need to do it. It’s kind of like taking medicine, tastes bad – do it anyway. And take all of it. Forgive doesn’t mean forget. You don’t have to forget, in fact sometimes it’s unwise to forget. Learn though, and let go and let God.
• · When you start something, finish it well.
• · If you make a mistake, go to someone else with your hand open and a clear view of eye contact, make your apology, make it heartfelt. Move on.
• · Real friends are precious. Hold them close.

That’s it so far for me over the last few months. They may sound a bit cliché at times, but you will have to overcome that. There isn’t a grade connected to this, just a chance to learn and then go on. Oh, that would be the last then – keep learning and going on.